


Full circle

by Karla1209



Series: Missing Scenes [4]
Category: MAY Karl - Works, Winnetou - Karl May
Genre: Christmas, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, M/M, References to Canon, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 19:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17168198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karla1209/pseuds/Karla1209
Summary: Winnetou and Old Shatterhand are on their way in the Rocky Mountains where they not only try to broker peace between rivaling tribes but also to liberate Mr Hiller from the Upsarokas….and to rescue Old Shatterhand’s boyhood friend Carpio from the fangs of gang of criminals. They are caught off guard by the sudden onset of winter and find shelter in the Pa-ware, a sheltered valley with hot springs.They have to winter there and spend their time together with the freed and reformed Mr Hiller and other men. My scene sets in on Christmas Eve when Carpio has passed away in Old Shatterhand’s arms with the Christmas poem on his lips that Shatterhand had written when young.





	Full circle

**Author's Note:**

> Please note: In this chapter I stray from my usual concept. All my previous chapters are set on the premise that the deep friendship between Winnetou and Old Shatterhand has already turned into an established romantic relationship. In this chapter I present to you an alternative variation, one where they are drawn together relatively late, so it stands on its own from all previous chapters. More precisely: What happens in “Weihnacht” is chronologically set after “Old Surehand” –thus much later in Winnetou’s and Old Shatterhand’s friendship. Therefore, so far they have only been friends and blood brothers. 
> 
> The words in italics are quotes lifted verbatim from „Karl May: Weihnacht!, Kapitel 6, "Im Schnee“. source: http://gutenberg.spiegel.de/buch/weihnacht-2324/6 (checked on 19.08.2018)
> 
> Thank you, esteven, for translating!

**Full circle**

 

The white men had erected the tree in honour of the birth of the son of their god. The lights on it had died. They had died just like the man who had been so very close to my Sharlih’s heart. Our companions and I had left Old Shatterhand’s side after Carpio, whose soul was lifted to the stars, had passed away. I had not strayed far, but stayed in the shadows of the wall of rocks to keep vigil over my brother.

Still, Sharlih held the dear deceased to his chest, not wishing to let go. Still silent tears rolled down his face. They bore witness to the grief he felt for the friend of his youth. Maybe they were also for the loss of those blithe days that he had resurfaced in his mind when he met Carpio again.

In silence I envied Sharlih’s courage to show his grief so openly. I envied his world where it was possible for a man to shed tears. Though tears burned in my eyes now and then, I always had to choke them back as being an admission of weakness. It did not do for a warrior, for a chieftain to reveal his emotions. When my father and my sister died, I had to suffer silently. I had hidden myself away in the shelter of the woods like an animal dying to weep for my loved ones.

That night at the Nugget-Tsil saw the last of my tears. I denied later ones to spill, mainly those I wished to shed whenever Sharlih left and I did not know if he ever returned. I kept them in my heart and only showed a smile to my blood brother whenever he took his leave.  
I had never cried any of them.

On a day such as today, when death reminded us of our lives and our time on earth being limited, I sometimes felt as if I should drown in an ocean of unshed tears. On such a day I wished to open myself to my brother and tell him how I longed for his presence, how much I yearned for him when he was away, how I wanted to rest my head on his chest, to lie in his arms, to laugh, to cry, to feel, to love.

I forcefully called myself to order when I noticed where my thoughts had led me. I usually hid these desires from myself and locked them away in the darkest recesses of my soul. But each time they found their way into my thoughts, I had to realise that they had grown despite their solitude. And each time it became more difficult to keep them in their place when they shouted their demands into my ears.

To check them, at least to a certain extent, I resolved to return to my blood brother and to hold vigil for Carpio at his side. As it had always done, Sharlih’s presence would be enough to calm my mind.

I went to him and said, _“My brother may lay down the remains of his poor friend; in the morning we will build a room for him. It will continue to exist longer than his mortal apparel. His spirit already rose to the great and good Manitou where trees of eternal salvation burn and do not perish like those that grow here. We will light fires to either side of the departed and hold vigil until dawn. He had looked forward to leaving this life behind, and some day we will follow to meet him again. It will be thus!*”_

We built a bed for the mortal remains of the body and lit a fire so that its light would shine on the path to the good Manitou, so that the soul would find him. Then we sat down silently on either side.

We stayed like this for some time in the cold of the night. Wistfully I longed for Sharlih’s presence to keep my heart from beating painfully hard within my chest. But the more I attempted to calm myself inside, the more difficult it became. Quite to the contrary. This time it was almost unbearable to stay this close to my friend without being able to be really close. If we had not sat down for the vigil, I might have run away.

But duty to the departed held me in place and when I noticed how my hands had begun trembling, I called myself an immature boy who was unable to control mind and body. Just when I had decided to turn sideways and hide my face in the shadows so as to regain control of my faculties, I felt Sharlih’s hand reaching for mine.

I was tempted to withdraw fast because undoubtedly he would realize my inner turmoil when he noticed my hands trembling. But his fingers had already enclosed mine before I had been able to evade him. I briefly contemplated to pull back, but decided against it because I would have caused confusion in him, likely prompting a question that I felt unable to answer. Thus, my left hand stayed in his and I hoped he would attribute my trembles to the cold of the night and not to my heartache.

But how on earth could I have thought of deceiving my blood brother? As soon as he noticed my hand trembling in his, he turned his gaze to me and asked, “What shadows are disturbing my brother’s soul?” His voice was no more than a whisper and his eyes shone their warmth on me. His gaze seemed to penetrate me and I felt how the concern in his words enveloped me in the kind of love and comfort for which I had longed for so long.

„It is nothing.“ I whispered. „Sharlih may forgive the chief of the Apaches that he is unable to hide his thoughts completely during this special night. It will soon go away.“  
“No!” My friend flared up and I was alarmed at his vehemence. As soon as he saw me react uncertainly, he quietened down and continued more gently. “No, you must no longer hide from me, you must never again apologize for your emotions, for feeling pain and sorrow like any other man. Do not hide from me, just like I will no longer hide from you.”  
“But,” I wanted to object, but Sharlih placed a finger on my lips, and his touch silenced me.  
“Hear me out, Winnetou. Now, that I have finally worked up the courage on this night of all nights, let me tell you what I have been trying to hide. Let my dear departed friend and the almighty Lord be witness to my confession on today’s Christmas Eve. Then you may decide if you wish to stay by my side or turn from me in utter disgust. I have been silent for so long, but today, when death claimed a life that had been so very dear to me, and against which I had sinned, tonight I have to speak up. I have been guilty of standing by Carpio when he had been alone. I neglected being the friend that he needed. I shall not make this same mistake again.  
Winnetou, you know that my heart belonged to you from the first moment we met. You know that my soul belongs to you ever since Intschu tschuna joined us as blood brother. All of this is true, I have never denied that, nor shall I do so in future.  
Still, there is more, much more that my heart has been longing for time and time again. Whenever my yearning threatens to overpower me, whenever I feel like giving away too much, I run from you so as not to say out loud what my body, my mind and my soul have been craving.  
But today I can no longer be silent. I have to chance it.  
I love you, Winnetou. Not only as a brother, not only as a friend. I love you more than my life, more than words can express, and much more than I have ever shown you.”

Deeply moved, he stopped, searching for the right words that would explain to me what he had intended to say. But those words were unnecessary. I had long fathomed what he meant, and my heart started to sing.  
Carefully I took his hand, the one he had waved about desperately during his words. He did not draw back. He even let me pull our intertwined hands to my chest to place them upon my heart.  
Nevertheless I saw uncertainty and fear flicker in his eyes to douse the light of love that had previously enveloped and soothed me. I wished those dark fears should leave him. He must understand that he had nothing to fear, that not only did his words not daunt me but were indeed the greatest gift to me.  
But my mouth did not open, did not release the words disclosing to my blood brother that I felt like he did. In desperation, I nearly bemoaned my inability to speak, but then I realised that it was unnecessary. This was not the time for talking.

Instead I carefully leaned forward and did what I had wanted to do for a long time. Infinitely careful I pressed my lips onto his, shy, searching, in doubt.  
A touch instead of a verbal reply. A touch instead of a question. One moment felt like eternity before I realized that Sharlih understood what I had been trying to convey. He responded in kind, equally careful and uncertain, equally searching and questioning.  
When we drew apart, our eyes said that explanations were no longer necessary. Our lips met again, and with them our hearts and souls that left the valley of our fears to rise towards the light of our new and wondrous love.

We both new that our search had come to an end, that our paths had ended, that we had finally come full circle.

 

*see wiki on _Howgh!_ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_(greeting) and the way May mainly used it. Therefore I thought "Howgh" cannot be translated with the same word. You might also translate it with „I have spoken.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this little story! I wish you all a merry merry Christmas!
> 
> The German Version of many of my texts can be found on fanfiktion.de


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